10/22/99, And Now For Something Completely Different...part A
by Kaiburr

**This product was not tested on either llamas or betas.  Read at your own
peril.**

[Star Wars music]    [music stops]

DARTH MAUL:  Aaaagh!

[Duel of the Fates music]    [music stops]

DARTH MAUL:  Aaagh!

QUI-GON JINN:  Ooh!
 
[Duel of the Fates music]    [music stops]    [stab]

DARTH MAUL: Utinni!

QUI-GON JINN:  Oh!    [Duel of the Fates music]    Ooh!    [music stops]

DARTH MAUL:  Aaaagh!    [clang]

DARTH MAUL and QUI-GON JINN:  Agh!, oh!, etc.

QUI-GON JINN:  Aaaaaah!  Aaaaaaaaah!    [woosh]
 
[DARTH MAUL kills QUI-GON JINN]    [thud]    [scrape]

DARTH MAUL:  Umm!
 
OBI-WAN:  You fight with the hatred of many civilizations, Sir Sith.
[pause]
I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight.    [pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the galaxy to join the Jedi on
Coruscant.    [pause]
You have proved yourself strong in the Force.  Will you join me?    [pause]
You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Anakin.

DARTH MAUL:  None shall pass.

OBI-WAN:  What?

DARTH MAUL:  None shall pass.

OBI-WAN:  I have no quarrel with you, O Sith, but I must cross this
conveniently placed pit so that I can free Naboo.

DARTH MAUL:  Then you shall die.

OBI-WAN:  Death does not scare me, for I will just turn blue and transparent.

DARTH MAUL:  I move for no man.

OBI-WAN:  So be it!
[ ignites lightsabre.]

OBI-WAN and DARTH MAUL:  Aaah!, Utinni!, etc.
 
[ chops DARTH MAUL's left arm off]

OBI-WAN:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

DARTH MAUL:  'Tis but a scratch.

OBI-WAN:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!

DARTH MAUL:  No, it isn't.

OBI-WAN:  Well, what's that, then?
[points to arm lying on floor]

DARTH MAUL:  I've had worse.

OBI-WAN:  You liar!

DARTH MAUL:  Come on, you pansy!    [woosh]    Huyah!
[woosh]    Hiyaah!    [woosh]    Aaaaaaaah!
 
[OBI-WAN chops DARTH MAUL's right arm off]

OBI-WAN:  Victory is mine!
[drops into meditation]    There is no anger, there is...

[DARTH MAUL sneaks up and kicks OBI-WAN]

DARTH MAUL:  Hah!
[kick]    Come on, then.

OBI-WAN:  What?

DARTH MAUL:  Have at you!    [kick]

OBI-WAN:  Eh.  You are indeed brave, O Sith, but the fight is mine.

DARTH MAUL:  Oh, had enough, eh?

OBI-WAN:  Look, you pile of Bantha poodoo.  You've got no arms left.

DARTH MAUL:  Yes, I have.

OBI-WAN:  Look!
[points to gaping hole in DARTH MAUL's side.]

DARTH MAUL:  Just a flesh wound.
    [kick]

OBI-WAN:  Look, stop that.

DARTH MAUL:  Chicken!    [kick]
Chickennn!

OBI-WAN:  Look, I'll have your leg.    [kick]    Right!    [whop]

[OBI-WAN chops DARTH MAUL's right leg off]

DARTH MAUL:  Right.  I'll do you for that!

OBI-WAN:  You'll what?

DARTH MAUL:  Come here!

OBI-WAN:  What are you going to do, bleed on me?

DARTH MAUL: I'm invincible!

OBI-WAN:  You're a looney.

DARTH MAUL:  The Sith always triumph!  Have at you!  Come on,
then.    [whop]

[OBI-WAN cuts DARTH MAUL in half.]

DARTH MAUL:  Oh?  All right, we'll call it a draw.

OBI-WAN:  Come, Anakin.

[OBI-WAN and ANAKIN cross the bridge, ignoring DARTH MAUL.]

DARTH MAUL:  Oh.  Oh, I see.  Running away, eh?  You pansy little Jedi!
Come back here and take what's coming to you.  I'll bite your legs off!!

THE END (we hope.)
 
 
 Kaiburr is currently undergoing intensive counseling. She asks that you send feedback and "Get Sane" cards to KwanYin4@aol.com