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10/7/99, "And Now for Something
Completely Different... Part D" by Kaiburr [Somewhere on Naboo...] JEDI COUNCIL: [chanting] Phantom Menace Utinni, dona sithis
anakin. [on each "bonk" they hit themselves with the handles
of their lightsabres.] CROWD: A Sith! A Sith! [bonk] A Sith! A Sith! COUNCIL: [chanting] Phantom Menace Utinni... [A CROWD rushes up to OBI-WAN, standing on a platform.] CROWD: A Sith! A Sith! A Sith! A Sith! We've found a Sith!
A Sith! A Sith! A Sith! A Sith! We've got a Sith! A Sith! A Sith!
Burn it! Burn it! Burn it! We've found a Sith! We've found a Sith!
A Sith! A Sith! A Sith! VILLAGER #1: We have found a Sith. May we burn it? CROWD: Burn it! Burn! Burn it! Burn it! OBI-WAN: How do you know it is a Sith? VILLAGER #2: It looks like one. CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah! OBI-WAN: Bring it forward. [a few VILLAGERS bring a struggling MAUL forward.] MAUL: I'm not a Sith. I'm not a Sith. OBI-WAN: Uh, but you are dressed as one. MAUL: They dressed me up like this. CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't... MAUL: And these aren't my horns. They're false. OBI-WAN: Well? VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the horns. OBI-WAN: The horns? VILLAGER #1: And the tattoo, but it is a Sith! VILLAGER #2: Yeah! CROWD: We burn it! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah! OBI-WAN: Did you dress it up like this? VILLAGER #1: No! VILLAGERS #2 and 3: No. No. VILLAGER #2: No. VILLAGER #1: No. VILLAGERS #2 and #3: No. VILLAGER #1: Yes. VILLAGER #2: Yes. VILLAGER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit. VILLAGER #3: A bit. VILLAGERS #1 and #2: A bit. VILLAGER #3: A bit. VILLAGER #1: It has got a lightsabre. RANDOM: [cough] OBI-WAN: What makes you think it is a Sith? VILLAGER #3: Well, it turned me into a Gungan. OBI-WAN: A Gungan? VILLAGER #3: I got better. VILLAGER #2: Burn it anyway! VILLAGER #1: Burn! CROWD: Burn it! Burn! Burn it!... OBI-WAN: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling
whether it is a Sith. VILLAGER #1: Are there? VILLAGER #2: Ah? VILLAGER #1: What are they? CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!... OBI-WAN: Tell me. What do you do with Sith? VILLAGER #2: Burn! VILLAGER #1: Burn! CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!... OBI-WAN: And what do you burn apart from Sith? VILLAGER #1: More Sith! VILLAGER #3: Shh! VILLAGER #2: Wood! OBI-WAN: So, why do Sith burn? [pause] VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood? OBI-WAN: Good! Heh heh. CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh. OBI-WAN: So, how do we tell whether it is made of wood? VILLAGER #1: Build a starship out of it. OBI-WAN: Ah, but can you not also make starship out of plasteel? VILLAGER #1: Oh, yeah. RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh... OBI-WAN: Does wood sink in water? VILLAGER #1: No. No. VILLAGER #2: No, it floats! It floats! VILLAGER #1: Throw it into the swamp! CROWD: The swamp! Throw it into the swamp! OBI-WAN: What also floats in water? VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Mynocks! VILLAGER #3: Uh, very small Death Stars! VILLAGER #1: Hutts! VILLAGER #2: Uh, ba-- bacta! VILLAGER #1: Lightsabres! VILLAGER #2: Mud! VILLAGER #3: Uh, temples! Jedi Temples! VILLAGER #2: Droids! Droids! [QUI-GON steps into the picture.] QUI-GON: Master Yoda! CROWD: Oooh. OBI-WAN: Exactly. So, logically... VILLAGER #1: If... it... weighs... the same as Master Yoda,...
it's made of wood. OBI-WAN: And therefore? VILLAGER #2: A Sith! VILLAGER #1: A Sith! CROWD: A Sith! A Sith!... VILLAGER #4: Here's a Jedi Master. Use him. YODA: [mutter] Like this I do not. Get you for it later,
I will. OBI-WAN: Very good. We shall use the Force. CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Sith! Burn the Sith! Burn it! Burn
it! Burn it! Burn it! Burn it! Burn it! Burn it! Ahh! Ahh... OBI-WAN: Right. [OBI-WAN starts to lift both YODA and MAUL, using the Force. They
rise off the ground equally.] CROWD: A Sith! A Sith! A Sith! MAUL: It's a fair cop. VILLAGER #3: Burn it! CROWD: Burn it! Burn it! Burn it! Burn! Burn!... YODA: But size matters not... [The CROWD ignores YODA as they drag MAUL off to be roasted. OBI-WAN
turns to his mysterious visitor.] OBI-WAN: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of the Force? QUI-GON: I am Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master. OBI-WAN: My Master! QUI-GON: O attractive young man, will you come with me to
Coruscant and join me at the Jedi Temple? OBI-WAN: My Master! I would be honored. QUI-GON: What is your name? OBI-WAN: 'Obi-Wan Kenobi', my Master. QUI-GON: Then I dub you 'Jedi Kenobi, my Padawan learner'. THE END [As the credits roll, sounds of "Ni" can be
heard.]
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